For many years, I had to learn how to cope without the resource of my family relations when we needed a break from the kids. Every once in a while, we might get an offer from family members, but we could not expect them to offer the kind of help we needed. At times, we didn't even live close to family to even ask. When the boys were younger, we needed a daily routine followed, training on the boys, certified people that you can trust, and desperately needed a break on a daily basis. We were fortunate to have good church friends that offered respite every now and then, so that we got a date night once a month a season here and a season there. We appreciated ANY respite we got, but it was not enough. We could never actually say that out loud...it would be entirely too rude. Most people did not understand our challenges and needs to know they should consider offering it more often (not that we expected offers). We were taught to be grateful for what little help we could get, so we accepted what offers came gladly....well, i mean within reason....there were on a couple of times I said, "no" because I knew they were only being kind or polite in offering but they really were not in the position to really truly help, despite their "heart" was there...and I declined. I had to learn quickly to get over the hump of asking people for help as I was at first shy to do so. I found that many people are willing to help, even those who really can't. I have also found that asking does not always mean you get the help...a combination of those two. I had to come up with a support system.
My husband and I, we both needed a break, so we learned how to take shifts with the kids. We reserved the right to do things together, like quality time, when people would offer randomly to watch all the kids for us, of an evening. Next, we found a local support group, that we could attend. We learned a lot from others facing our same challenges and didn't feel "alone" anymore. It also linked us to resources in the community to find that would help us, where family and friends could not. Sometimes, we could find a respite program or a respite caregiver agency that we could pay to come and help us. I also chose to belong to a couple of online support groups selectively to have other mothers to talk too when my choices were limited and I was looking for answers. I signed up for inexpensive training, either through newsletters, magazines, or classes offered in the community.
As a couple, we decided to put our family first. We had to make decisions that most couples might not have too, but it was right for our family. Once, my husband, he had to sacrifice a high paying profile job that clearly had it's advantages monetarily but in this case was too far a commute from home and took the lower paying job so he could be home when I needed him, mind you, it is not often, but if I get sick or something it is a back up plan to know he can come home at a moment's notice. We have had to decline social gatherings on occasion if our family needs do come first. We just knew that the realities are different from other family dynamics so we made adjustments when we needed too.
I also find one neighbor that I can call upon in an emergency, like when my husband is not available and I desperately need a respite. There is an understanding there, that you might not call on her often, but one day she might get that call.
