When my kids were diagnosed, they were toddlers. They were already delayed in language. I knew that they would not always understand why I was teaching them certain things. I do know mothers who would say, "oh, they don't understand, so why bother teaching it?" Well, I would respond because if it is important to you or something as a mother you strongly feel they should know, then by all means....you still should teach it. Don't give up before you have even tried. I decided I would teach all my children, including the autistic boys that a certain manner of speech was expected from them since they were learning language at that time. I figured if they heard it from us from day one in conversation that it would just come natural to them down the road. I was aware as I taught them that they would not really understand the social implications. I taught them anyway.
So, at home, when I asked them to do something for me, I demonstrated what I was teaching, so I would say the request followed up with please at the end. I would say thank you after they finished the request. I set the example. Before my boys were able to respond appropriately, I did a lot of role playing. With my eldest, we actually used Popsicle sticks and glued a person's picture at the top of it. We would follow a script. I would have a picture of him on one of them and a picture of myself on the other one. At first, he would just look at the sticks and follow the dialog and not really respond. He just observed. Later, he reached a point, where we could pause and he would say what was expected of him. I always slipped the please and thank yous, in there, of course. Eventually, after they had learned language enough to use it in a functional everyday kind of way, then I started expecting them to use "May I" when asking for things and follow up with "please" and they also had to say "thank you" when receiving it. If they refused, then they didn't get what they asked for from me until it was said. They learned real quick that Mom says yes most the time when asked in that certain way.
I went through this again, when adopting one of my girls. When she came to us, she didn't have those manners and I have always felt it is important, so I taught her too. She was quick to use these teachings in the exception of telling people "thank you". It got to be a sore struggle with her, so I added on a little emphasis in her teachings to teach this by giving her a gift and if she didn't say thank you, then I would take it back till she was willing to say it and explained to her that we show gratitude for what we get by simply saying it. She made me laugh when she asked sweetly, "well, what if we don't like the gift?" I said, "well, we still say thank you because it is the thought that counts..." It was the only real issue I ever had, and I felt it was one of the easiest things that I accomplished. (well, in comparison to the other things we had to accomplish)
Picture this: Several years later, we are as a family at a restaurant, an open buffet, and I was giving my older kids a little freedom, not babying them, and letting them serve themselves. I was hoping they would remember the manners I taught them and I stood back to observe. I understand my autistic boys limitations, but however, people in public are not always so kind. It was hard enough for them to just wait in line for food, so I knew that would challenge them mentally and also to remember their manners. I was pleasantly surprised as my oldest was standing behind an elderly lady who was naturally slow (and I could see he was growing impatient so I started to scoot closer in case I needed to intervene and teach, again.....however, I wanted to give him the opportunity too, so I continued to observe) that in that moment he kindly, sweetly, using his manners, asked the lady, if she would get him the fruit, please! She responded in a smile and said, "well, certainly" and she did so. He thanked her and was on his merrily little way. It was a golden moment for me. The lady looked at me after he departed and said, "what a wonderful young man he is. you have taught him well". Whew, it was a relief. I was happy that despite he was not able to be patient enough, he at least achieved his means by using his manners. I smiled and said, "thanks" and walked away. You never know what your kids understand in their teachings until pay days like that one!! I was also thankful she didn't judge him harshly and was able to see that he was trying...his best!
