Social Boundaries

One of my auties, he really struggles with seeing the social clues, body language, and the unspoken rules.  Despite, that we have reviewed the rules constantly, he still does not understand it. 

He likes to touch everything in the environment so it because an issue at times when he is touching someone's stuff or does not ask before using things.  When he was younger, people were a lot more forgiving and understanding, but now, that he is 11 years old, it is another story. 

 Most toddlers, they see a person's emotional limitations by a facial expression.  However, he does not see it and he is the type of person to just keep pushing those "emotional" buttons.  My biggest concern is the consequences that might naturally happen to him because he has not learned this yet.  I literally have to put a physical or tangible boundary between us when he is in this mode because he takes it too far and I really don't want to lash out at him.  It would be a natural reaction for us humans to either run or fight back, the flight/fight defense mechanism that we all do have.  Since I can't always run away,  I realize I need space to gain my composure.  He is way too "big" for me to give him a time out like you do younger kids.  At times, he will not stay in his room.   I am thankful he likes to play outdoors a lot, so I ask him to use the restroom and go play outdoors for a while.  I just redirect him in a sense and give him a healthy way to get out of my hair and let me settle down so I can be a better mom.  He gets to get all his extra energy out.  By the time, that he returns, I feel better and he has forgotten whatever he was upset about in the first place.  However, my fear, is that someday, as he gets older that older kids will get physically aggressive with him when he is in this mode.  It is hard for anyone to tolerate his tendency to keep demanding what he wants.  He will seriously make you miserable until he gets what he wants.  Thing is: I am stubborn. I have learned that autistic kids need to learn that is NOT the way to get your needs met, so I do not encourage that behavior.  So, I don't give him anything until he is asking in the appropriate way.  By asking, I do mean not literally that he is asking, but that his approach is more acceptable or what society would expect from him.  It is much harder for kids to deal with social conflicts than adults.  Adults have learned strategies to avoid conflict. 

Our biggest challenge is getting him to understand safety rules and keeping him safe on a community level.  The stranger danger stuff just seems to go through one ear and out the other.  We are starting to wonder if he has attachment issues because he is very defiant at times and non compliant.  He just does not understand the importance of obedience and following rules to keep you safe.  Most kids know their parents love them and are trying to do what is best for them. He is reacting towards all his caregivers negatively when they try to teach him or give him a consequence when it is needed.  It has been a real struggle. 

My other two boys,  who are also on the spectrum, they do not have these issues.  I think they were just delayed in learning it.  In my mind, it is better late than never. 

Lovin' It

My husband reminded me something....my oldest child, my first autie, he was about three or four years old....and he really loved McDonalds.  In the placed we lived, all the major roads went past one.  Soon, I had to go out of the normal routes, to find roads where one could not be found to my destinations because every time he saw one he had a full explosive meltdown if we didn't stop there.  Seriously!  We didn't have the money to stop every time he wanted. 

In this time frame, we went on vacation.  We were driving in the middle of a desert for pete's sake and we hear him hum the television slogan for mickey dees "bah, bah, bum, bum, bum....I am lovin it!  and we were like, "what?"  because normally he does not do that unless he has seen the advertising, the restaurant itself, or a tv commerical.  We knew the melt down was coming because there was NO WAY in the middle of a desert we could fulfill that request!!!  Several minutes later, a semi truck passes by us and we see it is a Mcdonalds supply truck....UGH....are you kidding me? 

We got lucky, he didn't make an issue out of it, but normally he would have.  I mean that would have been five hundred miles of sure torture for us parents.  Trust me, he would have tantrum-ed that long.  And no, I am not exaggerating.  I wish!

Short & Sweet

All my auties, now they have been trained at school, they are gaining grounds with receiving some instruction from others and following through with directions.  Some days are better than others.  However, the one success that we have had, in remembering they have struggles with audio processing, is that when we are talking to them, we make it short and sweet, to the point.  They process only a few words then why waste your breath?  You may end up repeating the instruction if your sentence is too long for them to process.  So, make it short and sweet. 

For example:  hand them a work book page, then say:  "write letter" and that is usually easier to understand than if you say, "okay, son, it is time for you to write your letters".....he only heard probably three words out of that later sentence and it might not be the three words you wanted him to hear and he is left in confusion.....so for me, I might say, "write letter, please" because I like to teach my kids manners whenever I request things so I always say please....it teaches three things:   a) language, b) manners, and c) writing skills and reviewing letters, in this case.  Aren't I sneaky?  They are copy cats and follow our language scripts after all, so I have to role model what I want them to say in the long run. 

the Perfectionists

I feel like I live in the land of "perfectionists".  They see things in black or white, no middle ground...no grey areas.  Now, I admit, when I am EXTREMELY stressed, that I will start thinking and dwelling on my mistakes a little too much, but it is NOT the norm for me.  The "little" men in my life, however, they are a different story.  They want their little worlds, you know, like "perfect" and forbid, if Mom goes and screws up the plan!  I am sure they are constantly thinking :  Doesn't Mom know that I like to eat meals at certain time? or that I like my toys a certain way? or my meals cooked in a particular fashion? or even that she must read my mind?  You see their language is not like other kids and they are have a hard time making their needs known so those needs naturally  don't always get met and that just really ticks them off, so they have their little fussy fits.  I have seen that the behavior decreases in time as the language improves, but toddler hood (developmentally) was not a fun time for Mom.  It was a guessing game what they needed or wanted.  As a mother, I feel like I can't ever "get it right" for them because they are entirely way too unhappy all the time.  Mom is NOT ALLOWED to make mistakes or it is like a "bomb" went off at our house.  When the environment is stressful, then it is like a domino reaction having a multiplicity of  children too much a like....and of course, Mom somehow always gets the blame, you know.

With that being said, my older boy, he has progressed so much that this is no longer true for him, but, yes, when he was younger I went through a lot with him.  He is finally at a point where we can talk and he has reasoning skills, so we can talk things out.  It helps to tell him about things before they happen.  Right now, he is in another stage.  Oh, he is still a perfectionist.  He is just really hard on himself because he wants to be like other kids and feels like he can never "get it right" and he does not want Mom's help any longer.  He works extra hard thinking that is all it takes to get it right, but at the same time he is unrealistic and makes unattainable goals for himself.  We are having talks about how he has to make choices and can't possibly do it all, so that he won't put too much stress on himself.  Once in a while, I will say, when he acknowledges his mistakes, that "congratulations, he joined the rest of the world, us imperfect souls, that are trying to do our best".  I remind him that no one is perfect.  We are not like God, yet....that we are only practicing, but we won't ever get it 100% right here on earth. 

I try to compare the analogy, that we are just trying to finish the race, that our focus should not be that we win the race.....because everyone that crosses the line has succeeded.