I am told that this topic is considered a trait, but I have only seen one of my children do it when he was younger. I had a flash back today as a I was recalling memories. I was reading this article on self injury behaviors that autistic children can have. I read an article years ago, that they know at some point, they are "different". They feel it. Desperately, they want to be like the other kids and belong, or like someone once said to me, "want to be like the other wolves and run alongside the pack". Trying hard, they keep trying to accomplish something others are doing but just can't. It is emotionally hard to cope with that kind of disappointment in life, so they become perfectionists. They literally punish or abuse themselves for being different. I read this article after I had my own experience with my son when he was younger. It just broke my heart. I love him so much and he is wonderful to me, no matter what his limitations can be. I think he is amazing little boy and a big spirit to overcome all that he has had to do. Most kids, they take for granted the simple joys and experiences they have in life with their capabilities, yet I have had to watch my son work really hard to get that far. My son is a quick learner and has progressed so much faster than other kids on the spectrum. Many people knowing him as a toddler and now have seen him are amazed at this progress. As a mother, I just know he will do wonderful things in this earth life. He is so intelligent, loving, talented, gifted but no matter how much I tell him so, he really is hard on himself. As a toddler, I remember him literally physically trying to beat himself up. Fortunately, he does not physically harm himself since that stage, but it has turned into an emotional battle. He always feels that no matter what the does, that he will never be good enough....for other kids. The perfectionism comes out at school larger than it does at home because I am certain that at home he feels love and accepted. I love that he still comes and asks mom for hugs.
My memory: Between 2-3 years of age, I went to his bedroom to check on him. I found him banging his head, literally, on the wall. He kept going faster and faster, harder and harder. I was so scared. I was worried he would hurt himself. I could not get him to stop. I did notice he was as white as a ghost and stiff as a board, like he was physically reacting to something. It was the first time he had done something like this. I could not figure out why he was doing this. I was desperate to keep him out of harm's way, so I put a pillow between him and this wall. At one time, I had to even restrain him because he would not stop and fought off my attempts to cushion it. We saw several doctors and did lots of testing that year. I got the test results and nothing came back really that was conclusive. He would have these episodes. I cried a lot because I couldn't understand why he would want to hurt
himself and why he would not stop...it was this ritualistic motion of
banging his head on the wall. It was a hard year for me because I had to handle it on my own too. My husband would wake up at 4am to travel 90 minutes to work (traffic issues in CA) and wouldn't get home that evening till I put them to bed or was ready to put them to bed around 8pm....I admit I let them stay up long enough to see daddy before putting them to bed sometimes. I tried to explain my experiences to other adults, including my husband but I felt like it was not your typical parent to child interactions, so I knew my husband was clueless what I was describing in my day. Like many others, he would try to be sympathetic and encourage me to see doctors. It was very fruitless and expensive and it led me no where. I prayed a lot, that is for sure. It was unbearable to go through this trial with him.
Later, I was led to believe that he was having an allergic reaction to a dietary thing. I took it out of his diet and his eye contact improved and he stopped this self injury behavior. I have not ruled out allergies being a reason why you see strange behavior on the kids on the spectrum. They have no way to express with their language something simple like "i have a headache", so they could be so miserable. I think I agree with those giving me advice who I confided too, that I should see a doctor. After all these years, I would advise the same thing.....rule out medical reasons for behavior before assuming the behavior is intentional. They truly are not trying to drive you crazy....even if it feels like it sometimes. If you don't find answers through doctors, then ask around the community and do your research....you might come across ideas that help guide you to the answers. Don't give up!
